my secret

after 3 months i thought i was doing good…i recently started trying to write and also trying to sing again after 4 years of nothing…Singing has always been a double edged sword for me…it is a release, a vent to my emotions…cleansing and soothing….most times i am able to feel empty after a singing session and start over with good emotions…but on rare occasions…my singing can also lead me to a very dark place…one where everything bad overtakes me and it swarms up so fast……..

it was by being stuck in that dark place that i lost myself…. now i have three more marks….two of which i know will leave dark scars…i couldnt snap out of it… im just glad i managed to pull back before i did anything too deep or it was more than three…and yet 3 is more than my last relapse…i hope my insurance goes through soon…i really need help…. i cant do this on my own….at this point i have no idea how i managed those 3 years where i was clean….sweet taste of addiction is sooo wrong, so seducing, i feel…ashamed that i gave in again…

and whats worse is i wanna cut again…only this time my arm instead of my leg…only thing keeping me from it is its harder to hide and i dont wanna mess up my tattoo (which is why i got it in the first place *sobs*)

I’m here if you want to talk/rant, anything <3 
what’s wrong?  

to save time i will just post this here 

http://lestallia.tumblr.com/post/17534067024

Hey, just wondering if you’re okay? :( 

no im not…im tired…but thank you for asking…

everything is too much. im lost. drowning. i dont know where i am. or why. i dont want to kill myself so dont worry. but if i fall asleep and dont wake up…that would be nice. i just cant do any of this anymore. im tired

and 6 today….but i should be ok for a little while. i dont normally add cuts to an area that was recently cut…but if i have another attack idk for sure…

1 always turns into more than 1…. but i cant do this alone anymore… i made it 5 months but im dying inside and no one can see it b/c after 8….no holy shit its been 9 years now…i know how to hide it from even those who think they know me best… they dont know this part of me….they dont see it….they think im “better” 

you dont get better from this shit…you might be able to ignore it for a while…but it never goes away….and when u do finally go back to it, you come out with mixed feelings of disgust, regret, shame, comfort, and relief.

i tried….i did manage a 3 year clean period before…but …. this time its only 5 months….

im sorry and so glad no one who knows me follows this side blog of mine… they dont understand and only see this as something shameful and wrong….they wont be told….not going down that road again….

if you count days its been abt 140 something days…. ive lost count….

i have to work….gotta go pick something important up in abt 5 minutes…

but then i will have small amount of time to myself….

i cant do this anymore….just one….one cut and it will be better… then i will clean up and be back to work in less than 10 minutes… no one will miss me and no one will know…i need SOMETHING to help me make it through this day…nothing else has worked and i feel like im dying inside….

so maybe….just maybe….a little something to relieve the pressure…and then i can go on again…

hi guys <3

but actually i am more worried now that i am not as upset…or at least more in control….when i compare the number of times i have cut when i was upset VS the number of times i cut when i am thinking clearly….i have a habit of cutting when i can think more logical…simply because when i am upset i am afraid i will cut to deep and they will have to take me to the hospital…but if i am collected then i can cut JUST deep enough…not too deep to cause disability or uncontroled bleeding but still very deep leaving scars and lots of blood…i want it so bad….im just tired of even trying when there is no one here who really cares….

oh they care like one person might care about seeing a random stranger on the street who looks hurt…but i have no family here so its not really an issue on a personal level…and i dont have to worry about people getting to close and seeing….

omg i need to get back to work and try to think of something else…

66 days clean….almost completely lost it last night…..

better today but….just so tired…feel empty and drained….apathetic towards everything today.

but of course all anyone sees is me bouncing around and skipping and singing while i work in the house….same as everyday…which i guess is a good thing….if they really knew how close to the edge i am i would probably be in the clinic again

what i feel like inside :

what everyone sees :

cant sleep and want to cut….didnt notice i was scratching myself until my fingers were wet with blood…its not bad and its not near painful enough to get rid of the urge….fuck…if i can just make it to the weekend….i will either be getting a tattoo or piercing and the pain from either one will help distract me. god i am so tired of this shit….just a little longer……let me go get the blood washed off and then i have abt 2.5 hrs left to sleep before i go to work….not that i will sleep…but i can try….curl up to my dog….hold him tight….and try to think of other things….just a little fucking longer…

im just so tired of all this shit. not frustrated tired but physically, emotionally, mentally, tired. i just started thinking of all the shit i have to put up with during the day….the hours upon hours of acting like i care….acting like i am happy and everything is fine….calculating what my reaction should be to things that people tell me…calculating the correct amount of annoyance to show every now and then so people see me as normal…

then when i do try to explain what i am feeling everyone is “oh i know how that goes. i know exactly how u feel” bull shit u know. only i know EXACTLY how i feel….go fuck urself for assuming u know anything at all about me u ass…

and while i was thinking about all of this i started thinking abt my cutting….i was happy earlier and wanted to cut….i was upset and triggered…wanted to cut….sad, cut, hungry, cut, eat and get full, cut, bored, cut….

all of it just made me feel so heavy and exhausted….i just want to fall asleep and not wake up anymore…but i cant make myself take pills or anything to do that b/c i dont want to cause the few people i do love pain on purpose…

im just done…

60 days clean….if i cant just stop existing …. then why dont i start cutting again? at least then i would get some sort of satisfaction…

idk anymore

im tired

just realized this with some degree of shock…

its not that i havent been thinking about it…. i mean….i DID recently acquire a new blade…and i have been feeling the urge to use it…

but i havent… i still cant bring myself to throw the blades away…but…

here i am at 56 days…

so thats something right?

and i am so proud of this fact that it is going on both of my blogs. I dont care if this freaks ppl out or not. Im pleasantly surprised i have been clean this long…so if u have an issue with me b/c of my addiction…well u r free to leave ur comments but i will most likely just tell u to fuck off while i smile in ur general direction.

and to those of u like me who have read this…i hope maybe this gives u some sort of hope that u can beat this…

<3

Lestallia